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Our new Wanker of the Week is Police Constable Zahid Malik of the Nottinghamshire police force. He has complained about the use of the term "Black Museum" for the Metropolitan Police's famous archive of crime artefacts. He says it's racist and could damage race relations. The former community police officer of the year has written to the Home Office's new magazine for front-line officers, The Sharp End. His letter said: "In a piece on the Met's Crime Museum you use the term 'Black Museum' for this 'notorious police museum' and 'the man in black' to accompany a picture of the curator. I question the negative use of the word 'black' in these contexts. We all should be working towards improving recruitment, retention and progression of black and minority ethnic staff within the police service. I feel that this does not help the hard work of many colleagues within the service who seek to establish good relations and promote a positive image of a police service which values diversity." The Met's collection at Scotland Yard, which is not open to the public, has been nicknamed the Black Museum since 1877 and features gory exhibits from famous cases. These include death masks, casts of necks disfigured by rope burns and a collection of nooses hanging from a gallows. PC Plodik's complaint is not just another example of Political Correctness. It's yet another example of deep stupidity hiding behind Political Correctness. When Foxy Ken Livingstone mentioned the words "concentration camp guard" he was accused of racism, and may yet be brought to court for it. Of course, if a Jew had used those words, that would have been all right. Similarly, when The GOS uses the word "Jew" he's being racist. If he mentions Jesus he's being offensive to Christians - it's some sort of private word which only they are allowed to use. If he talks about "disabled people" he's being offensive to people in wheelchairs, though it would be OK for them to say it. Does this mean that he can take offence if anyone except him uses the word "grumpy"? It's hard to see where this sort of stupidity can end - whole rafts of words are going to need excising from the English dictionary (it's OK for The GOS to say "English" because he is one. But God help any of you other buggers who aren't - you're just being offensive to his race). We will have to root out all the popular but offensive uses of the word "black" - we'll have no more blackbirds, no more blackboards, pianos will no longer have black keys and white, you mustn't go to the pub and order a Black Velvet, the Black Hole of Calcutta never happened, your wife must throw away her Little Black Dress, and space itself can no longer contain Black Holes …. and all because some ignorant plod in Nottinghamshire is short of things to feel aggrieved about. Perhaps we should just ban all colours that might conceivably be offensive to anyone. People have white skin, black skin, brown skin and yellow skin so they'll all have to go. Oh, but white skin is really pink so that'll have to go too. And there are "Red" Indians, so that's another no-no. Talking of "green" makes us think of those splendid folk who save trees and hug whales, and we wouldn't want to offend them. And if you use the word "blue" does that mean you're making a derogatory comment about sad people? OK, that all seems possible. Our wardrobes are going to rather dull next season, of course. But what the hell are we going to do about traffic-lights? "Sorry, officer, I didn't realise the lights had turned to …. er … grey …." One wonders how PC Plodik can possibly do his job? Just picture the conversation in the nick …. Sergeant: "Now then, Constable, let's have your report about this robbery last night. What did you see?" PC Malik: "Well, Sarge, I heard the shout on my radio and as I was only round the corner I got there just as the villains were making their escape". Sergeant: "Could you describe them?" PC Malik: "Yes, Sarge. One was over six feet tall and heavily built. And the other was about a foot smaller and of slight build". Sergeant: "And their clothing?" PC Malik: "Yes, Sarge , they were wearing clothes all right". Sergeant: "What colour clothes?" PC Malik: "Can't say, Sarge. It might be offensive". Sergeant: "And were these villains black or white?" PC Malik: "Sarge, with respect, you shouldn't ask me that. It's offensive". Sergeant: "OK, Malik, keep your hair on. How did they get away?" PC Malik: "Don't talk about my hair, Sarge. They drove off in a 1998 Ford Mondeo". Sergeant: "What colour was it?" PC Malik: "Can't say, Sarge". Sergeant: "Well, at least you had time to get the registration number?" PC Malik: "'Fraid not, Sarge. The numbers were in a colour I don't recognise …." In fact when we mention "blackboards" and "black and white keys" we aren't exaggerating in the slightest. Many years ago, in quite another lifetime, The GOS wrote some school textbooks about music. He still remembers the fight he had with his editor who wanted to remove all mention of "black and white keys" when talking about the piano, because there were one or two London boroughs who would ban the book on account of it. Blackboards have, of course, virtually vanished from our schools and we don't believe it was just to protect teachers from the perils of chalk-dust. Political Correctness is a foul, creeping malignity. Like a Luger in the hands of a little child, it's a weapon we have wittingly given to the stupid and the vicious people among us, so that they can use it to punish us for being cleverer than they are. And nobody can or will fight it because we're all too busy protecting our own backs. Some unpleasant little moron in your department wants to ban a word that's been common usage in the English language for centuries? You know it's ridiculous, but you can't afford to look bad to your superiors by causing a stink about it. Easier to just countersign it and pass it upwards. Your boss feels just as you do - he knows it's absurd but can't risk you making a formal complaint that he is interfering in your department, so he countersigns it … and so on, until one more inoffensive English word drops out of sight … What's worse is that although we all complain about Political Correctness, we all make use of it at the drop of a hat when it suits us. Got some beef with the local police? Claim their failure was motivated by your race and you'll get heard double quick. Had a row with your doctor? Allege that he's discriminating against you because you're over 65 and he hasn't got a leg to stand on. Can't get your child into the school you fancy because you live 45 miles away and it's full anyway? Write to the newspaper and tell them your child's dyslexic and that's why they won't have him. Better still, choose a Catholic school, and then accuse the county council of religious bias because they won't lay on a taxi. PC Malik, you've got a lot to answer for. Wanker. either on this site or on the World Wide Web. This site created and maintained by PlainSite |